after a long day of work with colleagues from overseas or with my work mates.

Lots of projects, travelling, conference calls at every hour of the day and night to be able to speak to our colleagues spread out across different regions and time zones.

My career was flying.
My family was growing.
My payslip was getting heavier.
Airmiles were enough to earn tickets to go back to Italy without paying.


Fast forward 1

Pain killers became a side dish, the main course were frequent attacks of kidney stones and high blood pressure.
But rather than adopting a healthier lifestyle, I was getting used to be taken away from the office by the red cross people.
My mental and physical health deteriorated until
I broke down and brought everyone down with me
my career and my payslip though
were still growing...

but none of that mattered anymore.


Fast forward 2

I started to gave up on all offers to become an even bigger shot
I no longer cared about a career
I no longer had a home
I no longer had a life
I was lost


Fast forward 3

In losing my "self" I gained freedom and peace of mind
I no longer needed a career to affirm that self that kept me going
and still career wise I was growing even more

Until... retrenchment


Fast forward 4

I declined more offers although being unemployed
I travelled and wrote a book that has been traditionally published in the Italian version and self published in English
I no longer have a secured growth path in career terms
I need to find clients to ensure cash flows in
I no longer seek affirmation
I no longer need a purpose
I no longer seek meaning

because

it's all here, right now, in the silent morning walks
in the eyes of my son
in the hugs of my partner
in the busy consulting days
in the worries to pay bills when there is no work
in the heart to heart conversations
in the breathing that I see happening in me with nothing
in my mind that needs improvement.
Every moment is complete.


We seem to find out what matters after we have exhasuted our illusions first.

All has its place though, even what I just called illusions, in fact, I am so grateful for all of it...

they showed me what I am, after I lost who I thought I was supposed to be.